Just say no!...right..?

Okay, I gots to vent about this since I'm not sure if I'm alone or a weird.  Probably both.  Not that I care too much.

I was recently talking to my best boyfriend and our trip to LA when suddenly a streak of panic hit me:  he talked about smoking pot in California.  And I froze.  My head filled with crazy thoughts:

1. Oh shit.  I've never smoked pot in front of people.

2. I've never been stoned in front of Will.

3. How am I going to be stoned?

4. Crap!  How do I smoke?  How do I do this?

and it was just the beginning...

Let me just say that back in high school when kids were smoking pot, drinking wine coolers and diddling each other, I was listening to U2, hanging with my kick-ass church friends, learning songs on the bass guitar, being nerdy and just being all around awesome.  I loved who I was in high school.  I rocked out the drug/alcohol/illegal-free lifestyle like a kind of rock star, but little did I know...

I went to college and still didn't do anything crazy.  I listened to indie music, studied, wrote papers, planned my life, worked out, enjoyed my straight-edge life.  And then there I was...23 and faced with the fear that I don't even know how to smoke from a bong.  Ugh!  Why don't they have a class for that?!  Can't I just take an ACC course that shows you how to roll a joint, how to prepare and smoke a pipe/bong (as in hand placement or mouth positioning), how to grow weed, proper pipe/bong care, you know, the basics.  So that when the proper social situation came around you weren't left holding a bong upside-down with bong-water going everywhere.

I have admittedly smoked weed.  Twice.  Once with my mom (yea, I know) and once by myself.  Both times I got really quiet, really paranoid, sat like a statue with my head buzzing, my chest heavy, and my stomach pulsing like a lead pipe in boiling water.  I didn't want to listen to music, I didn't want to watch TV, laughing wasn't even an option, and I just sat silently, internal and buzzing.

Then my dog threw up and I had to get up and walk to get a towel which was the hardest thing I've done.  It was like trying to walk over moving small hills that would roll under and around my feet.  It was a miracle I cleaned it up.

I guess what it equates to is being able to swim.  If you are 23 and don't know how to swim, you pretty much avoid all situations where you might have to swim, then make excuses on why you can't go swimming.  Or maybe being 23 and a virgin. You hate having to say you have never had sex in fear that others will judge you.

 

Of course I'm going to avoid a situation that makes me look like a total n00b.  Ugh.

And I'm avoiding the real story.  I dated a total loser (well, actually a few losers) who found out i didn't do drugs, did drugs in front of me, saw I really didn't do drugs, and their friends tried to like me as i sat in a burnout living room the only one sober, and sure enough, the next day i was dumped.  it hurt.  actually a lot.  mainly because it is something i do care about.  it's something i like about me.  i don't do drugs.  i don't really aspire to do drugs.  I don't like the feeling of being drunk or high or any of that.  I never feel like I'm in control.  And to have so asshole loser tell ME IIIIIIIIII!  I wasn't good enough for him because I wasn't a fucking loser burnout...THAT was enough to let me go?

I can't say I let it go...obviously.  But to be sitting in front of a man I really care about and have to tell him I'm a girl who just never smoked or did drugs or even sought them out is about as embarrassing for me as it is embarrassing for a person to say they can't swim, or don't drink, or are a virgin:  around the right people, it's cool and people will think it's even cooler that you have the will power to not drink or have some other childhood without water.  Or maybe teenage/young adult years that involve something more beautiful than getting stoned.

BUT!  I would get stoned with good friends of mine as they wouldn't care if I got super quiet, or sat silent or maybe cried.  I honestly don't know how I would react with other people.  Much less a stranger that Will cared about so much.  He said he wouldn't smoke if it made me uncomfortable, but that is not better.  I'm not that girl.  Go ahead!  Don't worry about me.  This is my decision, but he also let me know he is supportive of any decision I make, and he will defend me no matter what I do.

Which is the sweetest thing any girl could ever receive.  He said that loser's loss was his gain: because he let go of an awesome girl for something so stupid.  I am so lucky.

But maybe I'm overreacting to such a small, minor part of socialization.  Maybe my misuse of a bong, inability to light a pipe, or a crappily rolled joint is something that's endearing and a "Lauren-ism".  I mean, how many 23 year olds can accurately say they have no clue on how to hold a bong or smoke from one?  Seriously.  No clue.  Maybe more than I think.  As you can see, as a nerd these are the things that I worry about, while others may worry about, I don't know, sounding like a stoner in an important scenario...maybe?

Well, the jury's out on what I'll do.  Maybe i'll partake and totally call myself out like a n00b and ask for help.  Maybe I'll say no in an attempt not to call myself out.  Regardless, I'll still have some awesome fun with my baby in California, and it won't damper my weekend!  Yea!

I never post anymore...how sad...

i should probably post more on here, but life takes over, and more importantly, i don't have the internet.  i go to coffee shops, use Will's, or work's internet to talk to the outside world.  I don't mind too much.  I get more done, and i don't have the distraction of the internet (aka Facebook...it's like a siren song to me!)

I'm getting closer to finishing Real Estate school, and I have to say, I really like it.  It's not until I'm faced with real situations that I find it is kinda fun and a challenge, filled with plenty of problem solving situations, dealing with people and math.  How can I NOT love it?

And I am also going on a de-stress trip to Ireland, again!  Rachel put together a trip, and I feel I have to go.  Because I need to see Ireland again, this time with really close friends.  I am excited, and it is mark the beginning of a new life.

I have to go on about what a great boyfriend I have.  He is so supportive, always there, always encouraging me and letting me know he is thinking of me.  Who could ask for more?!  In this time of all time stress and frustration and confusion, he is there cheering me on.  what a good kid.  He makes me laugh and makes me feel invincible when I feel like a failure.  Besides that, he is cute and driven and just a wonderful human being.  Oh happy days!

i'm sitting in Kerbey Lane next to my apartment, drinking wine and getting some work done.  It's amazing how the work gets easier to do with the more wine I drink.  the radio is playing old school classic rock, so I've been listening to Credence Clearwater Revival, Santana, Jethrow Tull...you know, the goodies.  And Classic Rock always reminds me of my childhood.  I know the classics in Rock like none other, and it always reminds me of my dad, and more specifically, the summer and swimming while my dad did yard work.  the smell of gasoline with fresh cut grass, a whiff of clean pool, and Lynard Skynard or Steely Dan makes me more nostalgic than you would think.  Every summer I look forward to feeling like a kid again.  I miss those memories.  I miss those kid-isms of no worries, swimming, eating hot dogs, sipping your dad's beer, the grass cut, the grill going, and playing in the park.

now they are playing The Beatles.  I take it back.  nothing makes me more nostalgic than The Beatles.  I thought for sure for the longest time I would marry Paul McCartney.  If I believed hard enough and prayed enough times to the right god, 1967 Paul McCartney would ask me to marry him.  Who knew I would end up dating Sean Lennon?  (haha, inside joke)

I am going to my first huge MonaVie event this weekend, and I am SOOO excited!  I can't wait to be surrounded by so many positive, wonderful people who believe in the same thing.  Plus it is be Will and my's first vacation, and it will be so nice to get away for even two days.

life, though frantic, is nice right now.

stress = bad

so life has been anything but boring the past while.  real estate school, assisting real estate, working at starbucks, working monavie...it's all very time consuming.  it's all extremely rewarding, but it's also very taxing some moments.  i've been going through my finances trying to work everything out and figure out where i want to be soon, and by April I want to be Star 1000 in MonaVie and getting regular listings with Rachel.  Then I will be making around 22,000 a year.

I have a degree and I aspire to make 22,000 a year.  yeah.  Thanks, Bush.

and recently i have been thinking about how much life has changed, and how happy i am that it has.  this summer, well, sucked.  i felt like i couldn't do anything right.  i couldn't get a job, i couldn't get happy, i couldn't get a guy.  and so i gave it up.  and just waited.  and, boy, let me tell you, nothing hurts more than waiting.  waiting for life.  you feel like everything and everyone is passing you and winning, and you can't do anything right.  it sucks.  but i never gave up believing.  i had to believe that something could change.  if physics could lend itself to that idea, then my life had to be the same.

and here i am:  an irish and british traveler, a half-marathoner, a girlfriend, an employee of three places, and back in school.  who knew?

i am happy.  i am.

i think the thing that i have had to learn is not only patience, but also that my life painting will look different than i imagined, and to calm the fuck down.  i'm so used to control that giving it up is so hard for me.  I really need to improve myself, and learn to calm the fuck down.  i'm especially difficult on my loved one.  well, not difficult, but i need to tell him how special he is more often, and how happy he makes me.  i think i forget to tell him that.

sometimes that mountain we all need to climb feels unbearable.  It feels like we will never get there, or when we do we will be alone.  but i need to remind myself that there are other beautiful, wonderful, amazing, supportive people in my life who make it that much better.

i need to breathe and meditate more.  i'm too stressed.  i'll be okay.  i am okay.

breathe.  stop.  breathe.

I DID IT!!

so i finished the half-marathon.  what a great accomplishment!  my knee is killing me (i'll get to that) but i feel like i really did something this morning.  but i have to admit, i feel like i've lost a friend.  you know when you prepare so long for something and then when it comes and goes, you can't help but feel let down that it's gone?  yeah, i feel like my running buddy is gone.  i've been training since october, and now i'm here.  done.  how sad!

but nothing felt better than running with 13,000 other people!  the marathon was an incredibly beautiful experience with strangers cheering for you, runners encouraging you, and friends and family on the sidelines giving so much love.  gotta love it.  this morning i woke up like a kid on christmas (ask Will).  i jumped out of bed and drank my MonaVie, got dressed listening to U2, woke Will up, and was chomping at the bit to get downstairs.  so many people awake at 6:15!  i loved it!

this past thursday i had jacked up my knee on my last long run since my shoes bit the big one.  so at the expo i bought a new pair of new balances.  and i LOVE them!  they felt great today, so i can't complain.  i was extremely nervous about my knee.  i kept telling myself it would be okay, and sure enough, i made it all the way with little pain!  until this afternoon.  it hurts.  but i'm back on MonaVie and it should be fine.

that means i can't run for the next couple of days due to my pain.  so i can't even go run anytime soon.  and i already miss running.  like i miss listening to my music, pushing myself, that rush on moving through the times, adrenaline through my veins, oxygen pulsing through my body.  Ugh!  i love it!  but i love my knee.  so i have to wait.  yuck.

i start real estate school this week.  my class got cancelled, so now i have to take a distance learning class.  damn it!  but at least i should finish it soon.  i already have time allotted Tuesday, Thursday and Friday so I should be good.  I should be done with all this by April 16th!  YEAH!!  maybe i'll get out of starbucks.  not that starbucks hasn't been anything but wonderful to me, but i kinda want to grow up, and have just two jobs: MonaVie and Remax.  And not three.  we'll see.

i am happy.  i'm moving and getting places in my life that feel right and good.  it already feels right and good.  Valentine's Day was absolutely beautiful.  dinner at Lambert's, surprise flowers, wonderful gifts, sweet kisses, needed support, homemade dinners, dancing in grocery stores downtown, holding hands, looking pretty, marathon supporters, business partners, giggle buddies, beautiful beautiful beautiful.  it is the best Valentine's Day (and the only one with a boyfriend) i've ever had.  and i loved it.

yay!  life is good.  even beyond my bitching.

25 things

i've read many people's 25 things they have posted on facebook, but i don't care to be that forthright, so i will put it here.  good enough, eh?

1. i am a gemini.  both in birthday and spirit.

2. since i was little i have loved making people laugh.  nothing makes me feel more euphoria than hearing the laughter of my friends and family

3. my first memory is listening to the Beatles.

4. my first concert was the Rolling Stones.  And i knew all the songs.

5.  i'm not sure i have a favorite food.  my tastes have changed so much in my lifetime.

6. i hated college.

7. sometimes i think back on my elementary school memories of playing and school and feel i dreamt it.  

8. i have been dancing since i was 2.  since then i have been in dance every generation of life (2 pre K - lessons, elementary - classes, middle and high school - dance team/show choir, college - irish dance)...except now.  and that makes me sad.

9. i still love the movie "That Thing You Do!"

10. i can't sleep with my feet hanging out of the sheets.  i swear someone/thing will get them.

11. Conan O'Brien was my first crush ever when i was 9 years old.  i still love him.

12. Dave Grohl was my first erotic dream when i was 11.  we made out in a food court in front of old people.

13. i sleep with a stuffed lion.  he travels everywhere with me.  yeah, i'm a little kid.

14. U2 and the Beatles are tied for my favorite band of all time.  U2 helped me through such difficulties as middle and high school, and The Beatles gave me my love and passion for music.

15. i have been playing bass guitar for almost 10 years.  it still gives me a rush playing a new song.

16.  i am attempting the guitar.  it's fun, but i still am a bass player.

17. my parents rock.  they don't try to be cool or hip, but they are the greatest people i know.

18. i don't hang out with my friends often enough.  i love being at home by myself, which conflicts with friend time.

19. i have recently given up caffeine as i feel i no longer need it.  thanks MonaVie!!

20. i am a runner.  i've been running as exercise and for fun since i was 12.  but i am slow as shit.

21.  music and physical movement (running, dancing, cooking, laughing) are the only things that make my soul happy.  well, things beyond other people.

22.  i think my heavy laugh sounds like Julia Roberts laugh, and i can't decide if that is good or bad.

23. i love Texas country and bluegrass, even if i make fun of other country music.  

24.  i love Austin, Texas.  More than i ever thought i could.

25. this went by faster than i thought!  i surprise myself all the time!

if 2009 is anything like 2008...

wow, what a change!  I made it back from a lovely and perfect trip in Ireland and London, and I have to say it was life changing.  I came back refreshed, happier, more centered, and with a better outlook on life and the world.  I also came back with a new and more passionate love for Austin.  I missed this city.  What can I say?  It has a magnetism that can't be duplicated anywhere else.

but i came home to the warm arms of a man that has ended up being more important to me than i once thought.  it's strange.  I never thought this would happen to me.  I won't go too far into it, but I will say I am happy.  He is great.  We compliment each other, and we connect where I never thought I would never connect with anyone.  we've been together six weeks, and it's been so much fun.  He is also the funniest person I have ever met.  seriously.  He makes me laugh to the point of breathlessness.  he's has also woken up a romantic side and the ability to love in me i thought for sure had withered away, or hardened to the point of no return.

nope.  it's still there.  we have never mentioned past relationships, and i plan to keep it that way.  this isn't a fix-it relationship.  this is something real, i'm pretty sure.  he will never know the names of any of those douchebags or what they did.  because in my head, it is just him.  he is the only relationship that matters.

even garrett likes him.  yeah.  seriously.  my brother doesn't like anyone.  he's a good one.  and i feel so fortunate to have him in my life.  *smile*

my running plan has been revamped as I will be doing the half marathon now, which shouldn't be too hard.  I can do that.  And eventually I will do the marathon.  Not this year.  I also hope to lose about 8 pounds with this running plan.  It is possible.  And I can do it.

christmas was wonderful.  i love my family.  we had a late christmas, which was fine with me.  we ate and drank and opened gifts, laughing and being together.  i got an electric toothbrush, finally my QOTSA poster from garrett (YEAH!!!), new sheets, booze, and gift cards.  it was nice.

I had this realization that 2008 was a year of painful growing.  this time last year was a turbulent time that would eventually level me.  i was in NYC, searching for life and a future, only to be disappointed by the one i was thinking of, the internship that lay before me, getting pushed out of the nest of school, and having life take the wind out of sails.  I'm glad I don't have to live this year again.

But!  These past two months have been wonderful.  Or even the last four months.  My sabbatical was a great break from life and a great way to find what I'm looking for and who I am.  I grew a lot.  I'm also not afraid to do anything by myself.  I am capable.  I am an independent woman, and I can live life on my own.  I was absolutely happy living life single and my way.  Without that boost, I never would have gone to Ireland.  And that was one of the best decisions I've ever had.

And then, out of the shadows, a man shows up.  I never looked for him.  He was always there, but I never had any intentions.  And within months my life changes completely.  And January I start Real Estate.  Maybe life will change even more.  I hope.   And Obama takes office.  I can hope.

So here's to 2009.  With the momentum the last quarter of 2008, may it be a memorable and wonderful year!

I made it!!!

I've spent my second day here in Dublin, and I have to say I love it here.  It may be cold, but the people are friendly, the food is great, and surprisingly the streets are ALWAYS busy!  there are people everywhere at all times!  I love it!

the thing i can't get used to is being a foreigner.  i walk around without realizing this is another country.  and people talk to me like an Irish citizen, only to hear my accent and go, "Oh!  You're American!"  i laugh and say yes, and they are immediately intrigued.  it is slightly isolating as i've never been here before, don't know how things work, and i'm by myself.  but i am endlessly happy being here.  the weather has been beautiful, no rain yet.  (it's a miracle!)

i have no cell phone, which is liberating and sad.  i am not connected to anyone, and it's fun to walk around knowing no one can reach me, but then again i would love to hear some familiar voices.  i wish my mom could hear my voice and know i'm alright, but i email her twice a day with updates.  i would love to talk to my luvah, but i talked to him before the long plane ride from JFK, and it was great to hear his voice one last time.  yeah, i'm a smitten kitten.  and i feel he might be, too.

but this trip has already been great, and i can't wait to see what the rest holds for me!  I can't believe i'm here for another ten days.  wow!  i can't believe i'm here!