You can't fit a real title in here and it's annoyi

Just say no!...right..?

2009-06-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, I gots to vent about this since I'm not sure if I'm alone or a weird. Probably both. Not that I care too much.

I was recently talking to my best boyfriend and our trip to LA when suddenly a streak of panic hit me: he talked about smoking pot in California. And I froze. My head filled with crazy thoughts:

1. Oh shit. I've never smoked pot in front of people.

2. I've never been stoned in front of Will.

3. How am I going to be stoned?

4. Crap! How do I smoke? How do I do this?

and it was just the beginning...

Let me just say that back in high school when kids were smoking pot, drinking wine coolers and diddling each other, I was listening to U2, hanging with my kick-ass church friends, learning songs on the bass guitar, being nerdy and just being all around awesome. I loved who I was in high school. I rocked out the drug/alcohol/illegal-free lifestyle like a kind of rock star, but little did I know...

I went to college and still didn't do anything crazy. I listened to indie music, studied, wrote papers, planned my life, worked out, enjoyed my straight-edge life. And then there I was...23 and faced with the fear that I don't even know how to smoke from a bong. Ugh! Why don't they have a class for that?! Can't I just take an ACC course that shows you how to roll a joint, how to prepare and smoke a pipe/bong (as in hand placement or mouth positioning), how to grow weed, proper pipe/bong care, you know, the basics. So that when the proper social situation came around you weren't left holding a bong upside-down with bong-water going everywhere.

I have admittedly smoked weed. Twice. Once with my mom (yea, I know) and once by myself. Both times I got really quiet, really paranoid, sat like a statue with my head buzzing, my chest heavy, and my stomach pulsing like a lead pipe in boiling water. I didn't want to listen to music, I didn't want to watch TV, laughing wasn't even an option, and I just sat silently, internal and buzzing.

Then my dog threw up and I had to get up and walk to get a towel which was the hardest thing I've done. It was like trying to walk over moving small hills that would roll under and around my feet. It was a miracle I cleaned it up.

I guess what it equates to is being able to swim. If you are 23 and don't know how to swim, you pretty much avoid all situations where you might have to swim, then make excuses on why you can't go swimming. Or maybe being 23 and a virgin. You hate having to say you have never had sex in fear that others will judge you.

Of course I'm going to avoid a situation that makes me look like a total n00b. Ugh.

And I'm avoiding the real story. I dated a total loser (well, actually a few losers) who found out i didn't do drugs, did drugs in front of me, saw I really didn't do drugs, and their friends tried to like me as i sat in a burnout living room the only one sober, and sure enough, the next day i was dumped. it hurt. actually a lot. mainly because it is something i do care about. it's something i like about me. i don't do drugs. i don't really aspire to do drugs. I don't like the feeling of being drunk or high or any of that. I never feel like I'm in control. And to have so asshole loser tell ME IIIIIIIIII! I wasn't good enough for him because I wasn't a fucking loser burnout...THAT was enough to let me go?

I can't say I let it go...obviously. But to be sitting in front of a man I really care about and have to tell him I'm a girl who just never smoked or did drugs or even sought them out is about as embarrassing for me as it is embarrassing for a person to say they can't swim, or don't drink, or are a virgin: around the right people, it's cool and people will think it's even cooler that you have the will power to not drink or have some other childhood without water. Or maybe teenage/young adult years that involve something more beautiful than getting stoned.

BUT! I would get stoned with good friends of mine as they wouldn't care if I got super quiet, or sat silent or maybe cried. I honestly don't know how I would react with other people. Much less a stranger that Will cared about so much. He said he wouldn't smoke if it made me uncomfortable, but that is not better. I'm not that girl. Go ahead! Don't worry about me. This is my decision, but he also let me know he is supportive of any decision I make, and he will defend me no matter what I do.

Which is the sweetest thing any girl could ever receive. He said that loser's loss was his gain: because he let go of an awesome girl for something so stupid. I am so lucky.

But maybe I'm overreacting to such a small, minor part of socialization. Maybe my misuse of a bong, inability to light a pipe, or a crappily rolled joint is something that's endearing and a "Lauren-ism". I mean, how many 23 year olds can accurately say they have no clue on how to hold a bong or smoke from one? Seriously. No clue. Maybe more than I think. As you can see, as a nerd these are the things that I worry about, while others may worry about, I don't know, sounding like a stoner in an important scenario...maybe?

Well, the jury's out on what I'll do. Maybe i'll partake and totally call myself out like a n00b and ask for help. Maybe I'll say no in an attempt not to call myself out. Regardless, I'll still have some awesome fun with my baby in California, and it won't damper my weekend! Yea!

I never post anymore...how sad...

2009-03-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

i should probably post more on here, but life takes over, and more importantly, i don't have the internet. i go to coffee shops, use Will's, or work's internet to talk to the outside world. I don't mind too much. I get more done, and i don't have the distraction of the internet (aka Facebook...it's like a siren song to me!)

I'm getting closer to finishing Real Estate school, and I have to say, I really like it. It's not until I'm faced with real situations that I find it is kinda fun and a challenge, filled with plenty of problem solving situations, dealing with people and math. How can I NOT love it?

And I am also going on a de-stress trip to Ireland, again! Rachel put together a trip, and I feel I have to go. Because I need to see Ireland again, this time with really close friends. I am excited, and it is mark the beginning of a new life.

I have to go on about what a great boyfriend I have. He is so supportive, always there, always encouraging me and letting me know he is thinking of me. Who could ask for more?! In this time of all time stress and frustration and confusion, he is there cheering me on. what a good kid. He makes me laugh and makes me feel invincible when I feel like a failure. Besides that, he is cute and driven and just a wonderful human being. Oh happy days!

i'm sitting in Kerbey Lane next to my apartment, drinking wine and getting some work done. It's amazing how the work gets easier to do with the more wine I drink. the radio is playing old school classic rock, so I've been listening to Credence Clearwater Revival, Santana, Jethrow Tull...you know, the goodies. And Classic Rock always reminds me of my childhood. I know the classics in Rock like none other, and it always reminds me of my dad, and more specifically, the summer and swimming while my dad did yard work. the smell of gasoline with fresh cut grass, a whiff of clean pool, and Lynard Skynard or Steely Dan makes me more nostalgic than you would think. Every summer I look forward to feeling like a kid again. I miss those memories. I miss those kid-isms of no worries, swimming, eating hot dogs, sipping your dad's beer, the grass cut, the grill going, and playing in the park.

now they are playing The Beatles. I take it back. nothing makes me more nostalgic than The Beatles. I thought for sure for the longest time I would marry Paul McCartney. If I believed hard enough and prayed enough times to the right god, 1967 Paul McCartney would ask me to marry him. Who knew I would end up dating Sean Lennon? (haha, inside joke)

I am going to my first huge MonaVie event this weekend, and I am SOOO excited! I can't wait to be surrounded by so many positive, wonderful people who believe in the same thing. Plus it is be Will and my's first vacation, and it will be so nice to get away for even two days.

life, though frantic, is nice right now.

stress = bad

2009-03-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

so life has been anything but boring the past while. real estate school, assisting real estate, working at starbucks, working monavie...it's all very time consuming. it's all extremely rewarding, but it's also very taxing some moments. i've been going through my finances trying to work everything out and figure out where i want to be soon, and by April I want to be Star 1000 in MonaVie and getting regular listings with Rachel. Then I will be making around 22,000 a year.

I have a degree and I aspire to make 22,000 a year. yeah. Thanks, Bush.

and recently i have been thinking about how much life has changed, and how happy i am that it has. this summer, well, sucked. i felt like i couldn't do anything right. i couldn't get a job, i couldn't get happy, i couldn't get a guy. and so i gave it up. and just waited. and, boy, let me tell you, nothing hurts more than waiting. waiting for life. you feel like everything and everyone is passing you and winning, and you can't do anything right. it sucks. but i never gave up believing. i had to believe that something could change. if physics could lend itself to that idea, then my life had to be the same.

and here i am: an irish and british traveler, a half-marathoner, a girlfriend, an employee of three places, and back in school. who knew?

i am happy. i am.

i think the thing that i have had to learn is not only patience, but also that my life painting will look different than i imagined, and to calm the fuck down. i'm so used to control that giving it up is so hard for me. I really need to improve myself, and learn to calm the fuck down. i'm especially difficult on my loved one. well, not difficult, but i need to tell him how special he is more often, and how happy he makes me. i think i forget to tell him that.

sometimes that mountain we all need to climb feels unbearable. It feels like we will never get there, or when we do we will be alone. but i need to remind myself that there are other beautiful, wonderful, amazing, supportive people in my life who make it that much better.

i need to breathe and meditate more. i'm too stressed. i'll be okay. i am okay.

breathe. stop. breathe.

I DID IT!!

2009-02-15T20:09:00.000-08:00

so i finished the half-marathon. what a great accomplishment! my knee is killing me (i'll get to that) but i feel like i really did something this morning. but i have to admit, i feel like i've lost a friend. you know when you prepare so long for something and then when it comes and goes, you can't help but feel let down that it's gone? yeah, i feel like my running buddy is gone. i've been training since october, and now i'm here. done. how sad!

but nothing felt better than running with 13,000 other people! the marathon was an incredibly beautiful experience with strangers cheering for you, runners encouraging you, and friends and family on the sidelines giving so much love. gotta love it. this morning i woke up like a kid on christmas (ask Will). i jumped out of bed and drank my MonaVie, got dressed listening to U2, woke Will up, and was chomping at the bit to get downstairs. so many people awake at 6:15! i loved it!

this past thursday i had jacked up my knee on my last long run since my shoes bit the big one. so at the expo i bought a new pair of new balances. and i LOVE them! they felt great today, so i can't complain. i was extremely nervous about my knee. i kept telling myself it would be okay, and sure enough, i made it all the way with little pain! until this afternoon. it hurts. but i'm back on MonaVie and it should be fine.

that means i can't run for the next couple of days due to my pain. so i can't even go run anytime soon. and i already miss running. like i miss listening to my music, pushing myself, that rush on moving through the times, adrenaline through my veins, oxygen pulsing through my body. Ugh! i love it! but i love my knee. so i have to wait. yuck.

i start real estate school this week. my class got cancelled, so now i have to take a distance learning class. damn it! but at least i should finish it soon. i already have time allotted Tuesday, Thursday and Friday so I should be good. I should be done with all this by April 16th! YEAH!! maybe i'll get out of starbucks. not that starbucks hasn't been anything but wonderful to me, but i kinda want to grow up, and have just two jobs: MonaVie and Remax. And not three. we'll see.

i am happy. i'm moving and getting places in my life that feel right and good. it already feels right and good. Valentine's Day was absolutely beautiful. dinner at Lambert's, surprise flowers, wonderful gifts, sweet kisses, needed support, homemade dinners, dancing in grocery stores downtown, holding hands, looking pretty, marathon supporters, business partners, giggle buddies, beautiful beautiful beautiful. it is the best Valentine's Day (and the only one with a boyfriend) i've ever had. and i loved it.

yay! life is good. even beyond my bitching.

25 things

2009-01-29T20:59:00.000-08:00

i've read many people's 25 things they have posted on facebook, but i don't care to be that forthright, so i will put it here. good enough, eh?

1. i am a gemini. both in birthday and spirit.

2. since i was little i have loved making people laugh. nothing makes me feel more euphoria than hearing the laughter of my friends and family

3. my first memory is listening to the Beatles.

4. my first concert was the Rolling Stones. And i knew all the songs.

5. i'm not sure i have a favorite food. my tastes have changed so much in my lifetime.

6. i hated college.

7. sometimes i think back on my elementary school memories of playing and school and feel i dreamt it.

8. i have been dancing since i was 2. since then i have been in dance every generation of life (2 pre K - lessons, elementary - classes, middle and high school - dance team/show choir, college - irish dance)...except now. and that makes me sad.

9. i still love the movie "That Thing You Do!"

10. i can't sleep with my feet hanging out of the sheets. i swear someone/thing will get them.

11. Conan O'Brien was my first crush ever when i was 9 years old. i still love him.

12. Dave Grohl was my first erotic dream when i was 11. we made out in a food court in front of old people.

13. i sleep with a stuffed lion. he travels everywhere with me. yeah, i'm a little kid.

14. U2 and the Beatles are tied for my favorite band of all time. U2 helped me through such difficulties as middle and high school, and The Beatles gave me my love and passion for music.

15. i have been playing bass guitar for almost 10 years. it still gives me a rush playing a new song.

16. i am attempting the guitar. it's fun, but i still am a bass player.

17. my parents rock. they don't try to be cool or hip, but they are the greatest people i know.

18. i don't hang out with my friends often enough. i love being at home by myself, which conflicts with friend time.

19. i have recently given up caffeine as i feel i no longer need it. thanks MonaVie!!

20. i am a runner. i've been running as exercise and for fun since i was 12. but i am slow as shit.

21. music and physical movement (running, dancing, cooking, laughing) are the only things that make my soul happy. well, things beyond other people.

22. i think my heavy laugh sounds like Julia Roberts laugh, and i can't decide if that is good or bad.

23. i love Texas country and bluegrass, even if i make fun of other country music.

24. i love Austin, Texas. More than i ever thought i could.

25. this went by faster than i thought! i surprise myself all the time!

if 2009 is anything like 2008...

2008-12-30T10:10:00.000-08:00

wow, what a change! I made it back from a lovely and perfect trip in Ireland and London, and I have to say it was life changing. I came back refreshed, happier, more centered, and with a better outlook on life and the world. I also came back with a new and more passionate love for Austin. I missed this city. What can I say? It has a magnetism that can't be duplicated anywhere else.

but i came home to the warm arms of a man that has ended up being more important to me than i once thought. it's strange. I never thought this would happen to me. I won't go too far into it, but I will say I am happy. He is great. We compliment each other, and we connect where I never thought I would never connect with anyone. we've been together six weeks, and it's been so much fun. He is also the funniest person I have ever met. seriously. He makes me laugh to the point of breathlessness. he's has also woken up a romantic side and the ability to love in me i thought for sure had withered away, or hardened to the point of no return.

nope. it's still there. we have never mentioned past relationships, and i plan to keep it that way. this isn't a fix-it relationship. this is something real, i'm pretty sure. he will never know the names of any of those douchebags or what they did. because in my head, it is just him. he is the only relationship that matters.

even garrett likes him. yeah. seriously. my brother doesn't like anyone. he's a good one. and i feel so fortunate to have him in my life. *smile*

my running plan has been revamped as I will be doing the half marathon now, which shouldn't be too hard. I can do that. And eventually I will do the marathon. Not this year. I also hope to lose about 8 pounds with this running plan. It is possible. And I can do it.

christmas was wonderful. i love my family. we had a late christmas, which was fine with me. we ate and drank and opened gifts, laughing and being together. i got an electric toothbrush, finally my QOTSA poster from garrett (YEAH!!!), new sheets, booze, and gift cards. it was nice.

I had this realization that 2008 was a year of painful growing. this time last year was a turbulent time that would eventually level me. i was in NYC, searching for life and a future, only to be disappointed by the one i was thinking of, the internship that lay before me, getting pushed out of the nest of school, and having life take the wind out of sails. I'm glad I don't have to live this year again.

But! These past two months have been wonderful. Or even the last four months. My sabbatical was a great break from life and a great way to find what I'm looking for and who I am. I grew a lot. I'm also not afraid to do anything by myself. I am capable. I am an independent woman, and I can live life on my own. I was absolutely happy living life single and my way. Without that boost, I never would have gone to Ireland. And that was one of the best decisions I've ever had.

And then, out of the shadows, a man shows up. I never looked for him. He was always there, but I never had any intentions. And within months my life changes completely. And January I start Real Estate. Maybe life will change even more. I hope. And Obama takes office. I can hope.

So here's to 2009. With the momentum the last quarter of 2008, may it be a memorable and wonderful year!

I made it!!!

2008-12-05T16:52:00.000-08:00

I've spent my second day here in Dublin, and I have to say I love it here. It may be cold, but the people are friendly, the food is great, and surprisingly the streets are ALWAYS busy! there are people everywhere at all times! I love it!

the thing i can't get used to is being a foreigner. i walk around without realizing this is another country. and people talk to me like an Irish citizen, only to hear my accent and go, "Oh! You're American!" i laugh and say yes, and they are immediately intrigued. it is slightly isolating as i've never been here before, don't know how things work, and i'm by myself. but i am endlessly happy being here. the weather has been beautiful, no rain yet. (it's a miracle!)

i have no cell phone, which is liberating and sad. i am not connected to anyone, and it's fun to walk around knowing no one can reach me, but then again i would love to hear some familiar voices. i wish my mom could hear my voice and know i'm alright, but i email her twice a day with updates. i would love to talk to my luvah, but i talked to him before the long plane ride from JFK, and it was great to hear his voice one last time. yeah, i'm a smitten kitten. and i feel he might be, too.

but this trip has already been great, and i can't wait to see what the rest holds for me! I can't believe i'm here for another ten days. wow! i can't believe i'm here!

future world traveller here.

2008-12-03T06:28:00.000-08:00

the day has come. i am gone. i leave for the airport in two point five hours and it is getting harder to hide my excitement. my apartment is sparkling, i had a great goodbye at work yesterday and this morning, i said goodbye to my luvah, my family is taking me to the airport...man, life is good.

my mom told me that she is so proud of me, as this is the most courageous thing i've ever done, or she would ever do in her life. she then repeated over and over again, "you'll be fine. you'll BE fine. you'll be FINE. i'll be fine. i'll be FINE!" to which i laughed. the prospect of going overseas alone is kind of a daunting one that i have yet to really grasp. i'll wing it.

i have never felt this happy. and by happy, i mean balanced. i feel like a peace has nestled in me, and i am ready just to enjoy life and its precious moments. i wonder what i will find in Dublin. i wonder what the streets of Cork will tell me. i wonder what residue the fog in London will leave on my heart. to go from life being an absolute mess and feeling like a failure in most aspects of my life to this...this....i don't even know how to describe my condition.

i think most buddhists would call it Nirvana. i know it won't last forever, but for this moment, it did. and for this moment, my soundtrack is "I believe in Father Christmas" by U2. of course. i'm coming home, boys!

oh holy jesus!

2008-11-30T22:53:00.000-08:00

i am officially two days away from being whisked away to the tiny island of Ireland. i've been putting together a small pile of clothes i will need (warm, warm, warm is the key!), lists and printouts of where i'm staying, addresses, how i paid/if i paid, and all that info, and most importantly, i've cleaned my apartment. and i'm not talking about just putting clothes away or re-shelving books. i was on my hands and knees, scrub brush in my gloved hands, cleaning the floors in my kitchen. i want to come back to a sparkling apartment with nothing on my mind to do. it looks nice. it's not perfect, but then again it's the size of most homeowner's closets, so i'm not too concerned.

it's weird i only have two nights here. after tonight of course. it's weird i'm going to be in another country. i still have so much to do. pay bills. change money to euros. really pack. more reservations and printouts ahead.

thanksgiving rocked. i ran 9.5 miles on two hours of sleep (yeah, i'm a stud), ate a lot of appetizers while drinking sparkling wine, took a nap, and woke up to eat thanksgiving dinner. drank more wine. slept hard that night only to meet with my precious grandparents in temple, texas the next day.

and yes, i am 'exclusively dating' a boy. it's kinda cool. he's been out of town since thursday, but i have yet to get anxious about not seeing him. of course, i want to see him before i leave to the big green island, but it feels different. i haven't had this much fun in a long time. my mom said at thanksgiving i look better than i have in a long time. and i can't say it's all because of him, but i feel more different in this than ever. and i may get hurt. but at least i had these moments.

and i'm going to Ireland. life is really rockin' right now.

oh, starbucks is part of the Product (RED) campaign, which i have always supported, kinda. (ok, here is my deal. i LOVE LOVE LOVE that this promotes awareness of the huge global AIDS epidemic, particularly in Africa, but i HATE HATE HATE how it is with products that use child/women slave labor: ie. Converse, Armani, Gap, possibly Apple (it's a huge legal situation), and, of course, Starbucks. i hate how they want to promote the health rights of some people, but ignore the human rights of those who MAKE the product!)

but i've worn the apron with pride as i think it gets the ball rolling for conversation. i will still continue my crusade for starbucks to become fully fair trade and organic. you'll see. i can do it.

9 days...kinda like the band, only not crappy.

2008-11-24T20:20:00.000-08:00

in nine days i am out. which becomes more and more exciting with each passing day. i have decided that i will be staying at The Clarence Hotel my last night in Dublin, as a gift to myself. it is the hotel owned by Bono and the Edge, and it is the nicest in all of Dublin. it overlooks the Liffey and is in the heart of the Temple Bar District. Bathrobes, fancy room service, soft beds and linens, and, the best part, with my package deal, i tell them my approximate arrival time, and when i check in, they have a 'Clarence Cosmo' martini waiting for me. ahhhh, luxury! don't worry, i've already looked at the desert menu for room service, but i doubt i'll be in the room that long.

so...you know how as soon as you say something, and you create a whole meal of an idea intended to serve someone else because you would never eat it yourself, then suddenly you find eating this food of words like a starvation victim? yeah...i did that. i think i'm dating someone. it's casual. thank god. he's kickass. thank god. we'll see. just thought i'd put it out there since it could be something real. could be. we'll see. i've got a lot of life before those questions come up.

tomorrow is my busy day of trying to get everything together before i leave. phone calls. rain boots. cell phones. outlets. hotels. buses. planning. so much so much! but all is good. i have a feeling this trip will change me for the better. my old friend Olly from London contacted me on Facebook to possibly get together while I'm in London, so we'll see! Alison Owen is best friends with Gwyneth Paltrow, so maybe i might meet her. maybe/maybe not. this trip will still rock regardless!

my marathon training has gone to crap. i barely ran last week between all the doings of the week. so this week i have to catch up and keep going. ugh. i love running but still. somedays it feels like a chore. like when a cold front comes in and you are in bed and it's so warm in bed and you know you will be both sweaty and freezing your ass off outside, and you'll come back being so tired yet really relaxed. but that feeling: your heart pumping, your legs moving, your breath pushing, your body in full motion. there is nothing like it. i love running. i really do. i really hope my knees or hips don't ever go out.

i hope to keep this blog as a post for what's going on in Ireland the the UK. i want to somehow upload videos of what's going on to keep people interested or feel like they are there (namely my mom) a little more than a week and i will be gone. rock it!

a heart that hurts is a heart that beats

2008-11-12T21:17:00.000-08:00

i only title that because i was listening to U2 while closing tonight, which always gets me a little down since i'm alone in the dark (like a coffee scented cave) and i was deep in my thoughts swirling in my cloudy head, and Bono crooned that line. it hit me right when i felt it. ugh, then i got weird and emotional and needed a 4 mile run to make me feel better. it worked. thanks, Bono. maybe i'll tell him in person if/when i see him...

on that note, this trip has become more detailed than i ever foresaw...ssssshocking, i know. i feel it's kinda like getting married: in theory, it sounds awesome and fun and easy and great! just throw some invitations together, get yourself a pretty white(ish) dress and your love will solve the rest. then before you know it you are going to cake tastings that specifically match your color scheme, making lists of who is and isn't invited, helping bridesmaids find their dresses, trying to figure out the best hotel for grandma and grandpa to stay in, timing the ceremony, trying to lose weight, what food and/or booze, blah blah blah blah...or so i hear. wait, where was i?

right! ireland. so in theory it's fun and easy, then you book flights, hotels, set dates, figure out bus schedules, what you want to do and how to get there, best deals within a budget, packing the most efficiently, trying to contact B&Bs, how to protect myself, and then you find yourself rubbing your chest for comfort in the travel section of BookPeople because you never would have remembered to call a credit card company to tell them you will be in Ireland and England, find the right outlet converters, or even thought to remember numbers for the RAPE HOTLINE in Dublin...but i over-exaggerate.

but it covers up overall excitement. this is something i have been dreaming about for years and years and years, and here it is. three weeks to the day. fuck. i remember staring at the bright, smiling moon when i was younger thinking it was the same moon that splashed its light in Ireland. i used to listen to irish morning radio when i would study late at night (it's a six hour difference). i have written numerous, numerous papers on Ireland and its media. i wrote about Ireland in Hebrew! my prof would ask my questions about Ireland in class and i would answer in Hebrew. i know more about Ireland than most of my friends. it is the one thing i cared about for a long time. it changed my life in a single answer:

if you had all the money you wanted, what would you do: I would go to Ireland...shit. i was supposed to say Harvard Divinity School. or Yale Divinity School. fuck. i don't want to go to divinity school. i want to go to Ireland.

so many years later, and an extra major and minor dropped, here i am. going to my motherland. i think one reason why i can't get that excited is that i have no idea what to expect. i don't know what it really, realistically looks like. i've seen pictures, but i've never walked the streets. i've listened to the music, but never in the warmth of a real Irish pub. i've met Irish men, but never alone in their home country. oy vey!

and this London stuff is tripping me out, too. i can't believe i am going there! i booked the flight and the hotel, and i am set. i watched the beginning of Love Actually, and cried thinking, i'm gonna be there when it looks like this!!! so, yeah, good times.

three weeks. three. weeks. this is so much better than dating!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!

2008-11-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

lordy mama, things have changed, or at least gotten more exciting.

first of all i voted. it was awesome. tuesday can't come quick enough!

second, i'm going to ireland!! I did it! after hours of thinking and considering and pondering and budgeting and really really praying, i decided this trip is something i need. after feeling like my heart has been through the shredder both with people and work, i need something to center myself; i need to find myself again. and ireland has always been there for me, with u2 and irish dance, and music and culture. i just can't wait. i leave december 3rd, get in dublin december 4th, and leave december 16th. half of december i will be in ireland. well, until some plans today...

there is a film crew that has been staying in our hotel since september or so, and they are filming the new clare danes film. and as a result, i've gotten to know a lot of the crew. one woman in particular, a producer, who comes in and orders a dopio with her diet shake. she is a cute blonde woman, and after many conversations, i nervously asked her if i could ask her questions about how to make it in the film world. she said yes, and sure enough today we met and talked for a few minutes.

but here are her facts:

she is an oscar nominated producer for Elizabeth. Yeah, THE elizabeth.
her daughter is Lily Allen. Yeah, THE Lily Allen.
she has worked in both Ireland and London in the music industry. *cough cough*

so! i casually asked her how someone like me gets into this business, particularly in editing, and she says that her company is always looking for interns, and they have many American interns, and she could do what she can to make that happen for me. she told me to come to London when i go to Ireland, and she'll introduce me to THE movers and shakers of the music and film world of England. She also knows many people in Irish film, and will give me their contact info so i can meet up with them. she's gonna help me out!

so it looks like this trip will end up being more than Ireland. I'M GOING TO LONDON, TOO!!!! and not as a tourist! as a prospective editor for British film! or working in British music! i am so scared and so excited at the same time. this is the biggest leap of faith i've ever made, but i pray that if the door doesn't open, it isn't meant to, and if it does, then i shall enter.

part of me also hopes to get invited to the wrap-up party sometime later this month. sa-weet.

my God, can it go any faster? Oh. My. God. I don't think I can last here!

2008-10-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

i just had dinner with my co-workers from stizzle-bizzle since we won our door decorating contest, and i had a great time! it was fun to talk and drink beer and eat pizza. it also helped that i made them all laugh a lot. like, a la-tte. a-yuck a-yuck!

there are a few brief announcements:

i will be entering myself in the Austin Marathon on 2.15.09. i've been wanting to do a marathon for a long time now, and after being approached by one of my best/good friends Jesi, we will be running in it. it's good incentive to run more and be pushed into something even better for me. i was planning out my running schedule today at work, and jezie-chrizie, it's tough. before i know it, i'll be running 20 miles in one day. on thanksgiving alone i'm running 9 miles. ugh. the farthest i've gone is 10 miles, and i hope i can do this. i mean, i guess if i'm already on the trail i can't go back. i've also been looking up diet plans, and though it's not much different than what i eat, i'll just have to eat more frequently when i get higher in miles. it's my typical high fiber, high grains, many raw fruits and veggies stuff, so no big whoop. mary asked me where i kept my pizza pan when she came over once, and i said i didn't have one: i almost always eat my food raw. pizza is almost never on the menu.

i've found myself in a situation that is more difficult than i once thought. my head is constantly running, and my heart is both excited and lethargic. it's like an ill-timed fantasy, and i have to refuse. i'm in a personal building time, and i can't let this interfere. it's flattering and heartbreaking. but i guess that is life. i pray for karma in the sense that i'll be paid back in the end. you owe me, God. sometimes saying no to a date can be the hardest yet most beneficial thing.

it's not official, but i'm planning a trip to ireland. in december. i have to go. i've been wanting to visit ireland for what seems like forever, and now i want to go while i have hotel discounts, no relationship, enough money, and enough moxy. i will be going alone, which is how i prefer it. i have it planned out, and i hope to be booking the flight and hotels within the week. oh man, i hope it works out!

trent reznor is still hot. i'd still marry the ex-junkie, atheist, angry, artistic, brilliant, angst-riddled, surprisingly funny sex machine. yep. i would.

yea for surprise birthdays!!!

2008-10-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

my brother and i haven't always been close. in fact, until he turned 24ish, and i was in college did we really start to talk to each other. for a long time there was a bart/lisa like rivalry, but now we are very very close.

my brother introduced me to the rock music my dad left off. i learned metallica (good metallica), rage against the machine, tool, pantera, stone temple pilots, ac/dc, filter, primus, and too many to name. the most notable is nine inch nails. my brother taught me the brilliance that is trent reznor, and because of it, i found a connection with music that is tough to find in other places.

so i found out that NIN was coming to SA, and immediately thought of my bro. and how he would love it. so i bought floor tickets, and decided to make it a surprise.

and it worked!!

we got down to SA this weekend, and as soon as we got into our hotel room (which i got free thanks to my job), i told him we would be seeing NIN on the floor. his mouth dropped, as he didn't believe it. i showed him the paper, told him dad wasn't coming, and his face lit up like i had never seen it. he asked if i was serious, trying to hide my excitement (which caused my hands to shake), and he couldn't stop smiling. he just kept repeating "this is going to be the best show ever."

we got to the show, waited in line forever, but stood in the VIP line (yeah, i'm good). we talked and joked and had a great time. then came the time we got to go inside. we both grew with insane excitement. we made it onto the floor, and low and behold, we were at the rail. we couldn't believe it!

so we waited. watched a kick ass show from ghostland observatory (best opening band ever!) and waited. the crowd pushed and got tighter. people began to flip out, screaming and waiting for the moment trent reznor would walk on stage. garrett and i were so excited.

the lights went out. people pushed, and trent was right there! literally three feet from us. we freaked out, getting the shit beat out of us. i made it to the front, and survived three songs until i got kicked in the head, punched in the face, and began to suffocate. totally worth it.

i miraculously found garrett again, and we moved back about twenty feet. it was calmer, and the show rocked! it was the best concert i've ever been to.

one of my favorite moments though was watching my brother, who doesn't sing, doesn't clap, doesn't get excited, doesn't yell: scream, move and yell to "terrible lie" and "head like a hole". i've never seen him get that happy at a concert. i just watched him telling myself this is why i bought him the tickets. he is really happy.

so we got back to the car, and he kept saying over the over, that was the best concert ever. hands down, best concert i've ever been to. i can't get over that concert. followed by: this has been the best birthday ever. best birthday ever. and i felt so good. that's all i wanted.

we hung out in SA the next day and got tanked. and it really was the best birthday ever. and nine inch nails takes the top spot for best concert ever for both of us. yea!!!

rock it!

2008-10-09T14:14:00.001-07:00

in a kind of debbie-downer fashion, i had a dream about one of my exes last night. the one that made a tornado of my personal life, leaving a path of destruction that he failed to try and pick up. asshole.

i cried it out a long time ago, worked through it, dated since then, but there is a little bity band-aid that still holds together a bruised, broken spirit that is tied to my wrist like a old, wilted balloon. it's small, but it's still there. it's hard to get over being cheated on. or have trust broken. or to be rejected. it's just there. no matter what. ugh. shitty shitty relationships. then after being dropped twice in a row after i gave up. best decision i've ever made.

i had lunch with a dear dear friend of mine, Jared, and he talked about the break ups and break downs of the past 6 months, and we were kinda in a similar place. or at least somewhere where i have been and worked through. we listened to break up songs (he is gay, so of course alanis morrisette was there, so was sarah mclaughlin. and tori amos. oh the gays!) and i let him talk it out. he is broken. we are all broken.

when i was going through the bereavement of myself i wrote a journal entry that describes human beings as these rag dolls holding thread and a needle endless searching and pawing at someone to help sew them up. and i feel it is even more true and more people you get to know.

we all have our stories, which is why i absolutely love autobiographies on anyone. anyone. i think true, lived out stories are far more interesting than any story the human brain can fabricate. i guess my point is that no matter what we all carry baggage around. even if it's just a coin purse. we are all hurt.

now let's all celebrate our losses and drink 'ritas and eat nachos!!

october, and the trees are bare...

2008-10-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

it's october, and to celebrate yesterday i listened to U2's October then drank pumpkin beer. oh yeah. that's how i get into the spirit. i always forget how much i love the fall. maybe it's that i'm not in school this year, and i can actually enjoy it. i was on campus today to meet with my career advisor and i can't stress how much i love being out of school. no one could pay me any sum of money to stay in school. i was miserable there.

but i'm out, and doing life. i pay all my bills. keep a budget everyday (yes, everyday. i enter how much i've made in cash in tips, then subtract whatever i spent that day: groceries, food...beer) i have a system where i add how much i've made in pay checks, tips, then categories of spending so i can know where my money is going. based on a standard way of life, i have calculated what i can spend in each area in order to save 600 a month. thus far, i've surpassed that as i stay home a lot and am incredibly, painfully frugal.

my mom thinks i'm weird because she never did anything like that when she was 22. yeah, but she was married by my age. eww. but then again she didn't have as much money saved as i do.

ACL Fest this year went off without a hitch. the weather was perfect, the people were friendly, the music was rockin' and everything was perfect. i was sure i would cry when it ended, and as i stood 30 feet from the Foo Fighters stage, i smiled at how fortunate i am.

i love my life. who knew? nothing has changed but my perspective. i love riding my bike to work. my coworkers are a trip, the people i meet in starbucks are precious, i love doing the work. i love being downtown and being part of the pulse of the city. as i told my mom about my recent great date with Austin, she began to cry. i didn't show any emotion up until she cried. i just never got it. ugh, it was right there!

things are looking good, and i'm not sure if that is because they are, or because i've spun everything into a good light. even if i end up being 40 and at starbucks, i know i'll have some stories, so why not ride that train for as long as i can? with this economy, i have a job that will never go away, people always want corporate coffee, my manager loves me, the hotel loves me, so why drop a good thing?

ACL Fest is coming!

2008-09-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

it is my favorite time of year. seriously. even more than christmas in NYC. even more than halloween at my house. and definitely more than valentine's day with mono in my apartment.

ACL Fest has come back!

this will be my sixth year going to all three days, and i cannot wait. something about this year feels so right. maybe it's the fall weather that has triggered some sort of excitement that it will be cooler. maybe it's the promise of some new bands that will surely amaze me. maybe it's the memories with old and new friends that are sure to come.

and maybe it is the pure bliss that comes from sitting in the sun, listening to inspiring and beautiful music, and for one weekend throwing everything else behind you. it's you, the breeze and the music. ah! there is nothing better. nothing.

i rode my bike down to zilker to get my wrist band, and all i could think of was how happy i was about this weekend. the stages are set up, the tents and merch being set out, the sky the bluest i've seen in a long while. i've never felt more pure and true bliss. i slipped my wrist band on and felt invincible.

which brings me to another story. last sunday, it was so busy i had to park at 2nd and guadalupe and hoof it to 4th and trinity (which if you know austin, yeah, it's a hike). but as i walked around in the mid-80s weather, strolling along the 2nd street district, watching people eat brunch, drink mimosas, laugh; pretty women in oversized sunglasses and tiny sundresses, babies wobbling on cobble sidewalks, i felt this wave of happiness like i haven't felt in a long time. this peace. i walked past the children's museum, the W hotel site, the future site of ACL studios, and as i turned my head, there was the capital and frost bank in the distance.

and i cried. i connected with the city. something felt so home yet so far away from me. i haven't been out to really get to know this city. i'd spent over a year working downtown and living in the famous 78704 zip code and yet i never got to really know her. and i want to. i live in a city that could take me somewhere. and i need to feed off that. i don't know where i'm going, but i need to relish in the present.

i watched the office premiere, and i have to say, i can't feel happy for pam and jim. i can't. i'm not sure i believe in marriage. or even relationships for that matter. my sabbatical has turned out to be a welcomed and overwhelmingly beautiful lifestyle, and i don't even want a boyfriend, or even to have sex again. or for that matter to ever get married, and kids seem like a pain. i'm fine the way my life is. relationships are band-aids for some sort of insecurity. prove otherwise, i dare you.

i'm not sure

2008-09-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

i was told friday afternoon, in a somewhat cowardly email, that i would not be an intern for the alamo drafthouse. they said i had a great resume and my Final Cut "skills will take my very far", but they went with someone else. i have to admit, i felt a heartbroken. i can't even get a free internship. i can't even get free work.

i'm trying to be positive, but i don't know what to do. i haven't felt this confused in a long time. i don't know what to do. i like my job (surprisingly!), but i want to do something i love. something that brings me passion. something that challenges me. something i can be proud to say i do. something with a real paycheck. something with vacation time. something that inspires me.

and i'm not sure that will ever happen.

i have found trying to get a job to be like dating. in theory, you know what you want. you know the type you are looking for, and the qualities you think you want and need. then you go on dates with the person, only to find they aren't want you wanted or thought you wanted. you try and it fails. so then you try again. you apply again. and you never get that second date. or sometimes, you put out the signal, never to get the first date you are sure is to be your last.

i guess a problem is that i don't even know what i want. when people ask me 'if i could be anything, i would i be?' i respond that i would be a music journalist. technically i am. i write for a blog (http://www.indieball.com) and i love doing it. i love music. more than anything else, well, besides the obvious family and close friends. but music feeds my soul, lifts me up, consuls me, dances with me, teaches me, inspires me, changes me, gives me meaning. i suppose what some find in religion or spirituality i find in music.

so in the end, it's all about finding the bits of inspiration and love in the goodness that is provided. at least i have a job. it may not be a career, but at least it is something. and at least i have music.

ordinary world

2008-09-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

i haven't heard from the Drafthouse, and i hope to hear soon, but i've come to a peaceful level of my life, and am attempting nirvana. as a result, i've actually come to like my job at the stizzle-bizzle. i like my regulars, the formula, the community. i guess things have to change since now i like what i do.

i've also gone back to two a days. i quit for a while, when i was riding my bike so much, but now i ride my bike to work, ride home then immediately go for a three mile run. i've become so accustomed to being active. so much so that i went on a date tonight. i rode my bike to Target with the most beautiful sky i've seen in a long time, walked around Target for an hour, got my chocolate, wine and pumpkin scented Fabreze, and rode home. it was the happiest i've been in a long time.

i like this sabbatical idea. i love being single. i love playing the guitar, drinking wine and eating chocolate while watching Sex and the City on DVD, watching Simpsons commentary while eating my small dinner, working out, being myself. it's wonderful not thinking about guys. worrying about them. wondering what they are thinking of me. if i never get married, i would be so happy. i love being on my own. i love being alone. i actually hope i never am in a couple. i never want to be so compromising again. i never want to lose myself in someone else.

in other news, i wrote the president of UT, dean of communications, and director of CCS about the shitty "work" the CCS does. they don't help people find jobs, and they are disrespectful. my email made my mom proud. she said it was perfect. it was. it came out of passion. as a result, i got a long email back from the director of the CCS. we are having a meeting soon.

i also emailed my cousin who is going through a crappy crappy breakup, and she said she was happy to receive it. i hope i see her at Thanksgiving.

this has been a week of proud moments and passions. i've never been tested so thoroughly than this past week. i've brought myself to the level of free work for experience, having to say no to someone you whole and pure heartedly love, pushing people to do their job, and realizing that life really does never look like you thought it would.

the fall is coming. and i have never been more excited. i've never been more ready to accept my life.

true romance

2008-09-06T20:37:00.001-07:00

i do own a bit of someone's heart without trying.

and yet i control all of mine.

who knew?

please please please

2008-09-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

if you are a praying person, please please please pray i get this opportunity at Alamo Drafthouse. i'm going crazy sending out applications, and i just want to be something. i just want the chance to prove myself. i'm not sure what else i can do. please please please pray. i need this.

one last chance...

p.s.--i am forever grateful for the good health God has blessed me with. i'm clean. i'm good. i'm brand new. i will never forget the desert, as the desert moves us into the promise land. and the desert makes us appreciate the promise in the land.

something kinda real

2008-08-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

it really sucks to watch all the people around you get the one thing that you really really really want. and wanted for a long time. and can't stop thinking about. or attempting to get. over and over again:

a job.

i have this nauseating feeling that i will be that 30 year-old still working at starbucks because she just couldn't get a job anywhere else. and that scares the hell out of me. i thought i was a pretty qualified person.

it seems to come so easy to people. they just get offered jobs, or move and things work out, or find some sort of direction. i'm still here. and school is starting and i have nothing to offer except numerous rejection emails.

i feel like a loser. this blows. this better be some amazing transformation story in the future.

because this is more painful than i thought it would be.

my jaw hurts...

2008-08-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

i got my wisdom teeth out.

my jaw is still swollen, and my face still hurts.

but drugs help. awesome.

el arroyo's sign today:

'try the michael phelps breakfast platter: $59.95'

i laughed. then my face hurt. but it was so worth it.

love me dead, andrew!

2008-08-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

i was just looking at pictures of andrew volpe from the band Ludo that have been tagged on myspace. and i thought about sxsw and how he totally hit on me. and then begged me to come to their show at the trabbador. and i didn't go.

but i emailed him a month later, and we emailed back and forth for awhile, followed by myspace friendships. then i never followed up.

he was cute. and he totally hit on me. 13 year-old me is totally peeing in her pants.

riding the White Pony...wait, not coke. not that 'pony'

2008-08-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

on the way home tonight from a fun-filled evening with old friends, i stared up at the stars in Georgetown and thought about what a beautiful summer sky it was. the stars bright and humid, and air dewy and soft. it reminded me of when i was 14.

the summer between 8th grade and my freshman year at Bowie I was obsessed with Deftones. seriously. o.b.s.e.s.s.e.d. Chino Moreno was a god to me. that was also the summer their album White Pony came out, and i had it on non-stop. on our 8th grade mission trip to Boston, i snuck my CD player on the trip and listened to it every night before i fell asleep. i listened to it in the car with my parents. i listened to it at summer camp. i just fell in love with it. that and Around the Fur. great great album.

one night my friend invited me over to her other friend's house, and we ended up sleeping on her friend's trampoline, outside, during July. i stared up at the sky for hours, wondering where my life would take me, thinking of that music. tracing it over and over in my head like a record needle.

i dreamed of boyfriends, and potential *cough cough*. careers. school. futures. what i would look like. who i would be. who would be around me when the chips were down. to be honest, if current me met me then, i'm not sure either one of us would recognize each other. my red hair. my insecure relationships. my parents being the ones i trust now. my close friends parting ways. my body looking way better now then it did then (or at least i thought). part of me wonders if the saying is true: i knew much more then than i do now. i was more sure of who i was in those years than i was recently. i think i've changed for the better over the past few months. but back then i wore what i wanted. i listened to what i wanted to. i had musicians all over my binder (it changed to a coffee tumbler as i got older). i hung around who i wanted. i was a complete and utter nerd, but i didn't care.

this all this crap comes in that says what you should be and it messes you up. you think, maybe i should listen to this. maybe i should be like this. maybe boys would like me more if i were like this. no. none of it is true. i wouldn't take back my past for anything. it may not be the typical american teen, but i also don't have a lot of things my peers are facing, and i'm fine with that.

so, i will listen to Tool tonight in an attempt to take back that strength that made me who i was back then. one thing about music, and White Pony in particular, is that you can't take away the first memories you had with that music.

someone tried.

but he (is) lost.

i kinda want to live until i'm a villan...do i get a cape?

2008-07-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

so finding a job sucks. especially in this economy. i've applied place after place, both in my major and not, and i never hear anything back. i try calling up, but nothing. i did get an interview at KEYE, the guy liked me, but there is no money in their budget to hire me because the boss suddenly pulled out at the last moment. it doesn't work in sex and it doesn't work with jobs!!! but i've applied at other places, and now i hope to be doing temp work. and the temp agency woman i spoke to today said i should keep my job at starbucks. (shitshitshit!!!) and so i'm kinda scared i'll be in over my head in working 4 or 5 days with a temp agency and 2-3 with starbucks. i really want to quit that job. like really bad. i'm tired of taking out trash. mopping. dealing with bitchy customers and employees. being on my feet ALL THE TIME. being bored out of my mind most days. making mocha. making frappachinos. i didn't get my degree to stay there. and i can't stand it anymore. i mean, i can if i have to, but Krusty wants out! so let's hope everything works out.

so the past few days i've been working out twice: once in the morning as a three mile run, then riding my bike in the afternoon to work, which is around 7 miles. i think that's good...right? i love working out. yes, i am aware i am a freak. i have realized that if i don't work out, i become restless and cranky. it's my drug! Mono took me out, in that no caffeine, no alcohol, no sugar and no working out made lauren go crazy. but now i'm back to all four! hoo-ray!

today i rode my bike and met up with the parental units at the alamo drafthouse near my apartment to see the Dark Knight again. it was still very good. i was still blown away by the multi-layered story, the beautiful editing and cinematography, and the brilliance that is Heath Ledger. i actually cried twice during the film. ugh, it's so good. but all this comic stuff (which, congrats to DC Comics for giving Marvel a run for their money!) has made me want to start reading graphic novels. i read comics as a kid since there was a comic book shop near our house. (are we shocked i read comics? no. it fits.) i've heard way too much good stuff about them to really pass them up. i figured i could start with the watchmen. even before the movie my uber nerdziod friends talked about how kick ass it was. so. yeah.

on another note, i've been trying to get this sftp site thing to work so i can upload music and start blogging on indieball.com, and it isn't and i'm extremely frustrated. i feel like a n00b and like i dropped the ball, but i didn't! i even freggin took a programming class and skooled all those CS majors...what the hell?! this crappy crap crap crap of sftp and its hatred of mp3s is starting to get to me. i'll figure it out, but i'm gettin' cranky. maybe i should run...

and so it begins...

2008-07-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

so for some odd reason, i have decided to pick up blogging or online journaling again. call it a 'Carrie Bradshaw' desire of expressing my opinions for the world to see. or the thought that i'm that important enough. nah, probably not, but it's come back into my life and here it is.

first of all, i couldn't fit a decent title in the box thing, then i spent 20 minutes trying to get a name for this web site, and nothing. it was a little outrageous (seeing that i came up with some really ridiculous names and they were all still taken). so i thought about things that i love, and skoolin' n00bs was number 1, so there you have it. it's like it was fate. *sigh*

right after graduation i was given randy pausch's book, the last lecture, and read it in the car ride to South Padre. i liked it, besides the fact he gave off the persona that he had done everything perfect in his life (i guess i would too if i were leaving this legacy for my kids). But deep down inside i thought for sure he would live. i thought there was no way that this guy would die. he had jinxed himself into living.

but there it was on the news. randy pausch dies. i couldn't believe it. i mean, i should have, but i still didn't. so i cried. a common theme with me, but this time it felt like i was let down. he knew he was going to die. i knew he would, but i hoped i was wrong.

as a result i have thought about my childhood dreams:

1. be in The Beatles

now, i am well aware the odds of this happening are quite possibly impossible, but as a child i thought for sure i could do it. listening to the Beatles as a kid took me places. particularly 1964 to 1969. they were my first love, where all i did was think about them and imagining them playing these songs, and how cute Paul McCartney was. i listened to it in middle school imagining holding hands with my crush (before harsh realities of love set in--which i am STILL battling). they were the first band i plugged into and would not take my headphones off for. there i was, at 9 years old listening to them non-stop at my grandparents, listening to them on the bus to school, absorbing every note they played. i still love them and will always love them.

the closest i got was playing 'A Day in the Life' for my dad at the Rose of Tralee competition. if that's as close as i get, i think i'll be satisfied. or a sa-weet cover band would be better! i call rhythm guitar!!! ONE (?) DOWN...?

2. write about music to people who will listen

around the time i fell in love with the Beatles, i fell in love with rock music in general. my dad played classic rock around the house at full volume all the time, and i know every hit song by any band between the years 1967 and 1982. i am a trained professional. my dad taught me the importance of trading music trivia like baseball cards. you collect info and gain superiority by having more valuable and more interesting/obscure information. so i carried that on to all music. i am a music junkie. i can't get enough of it. rock music makes me so happy. almost happier than a man might make me happy, but i'm not counting that out.

but i've always wanted to write about music. i wanted to share my love and passion and talent of music consumption with the world. and i'm gonna do it! i'm going to be writing for an indie music blog from a friend, and i'm super excited! if this is a far as i get in music writing, it will be more than enough for me. so TWO DOWN!!!

3. be a model

it's shallow, i know. the idea of being a beautiful woman and nothing more than a face or a body is kinda low...but doesn't everyone want that?! we all want to be told we are beautiful and hot and attractive. duh! so being a model: what else is there? someone looks at your picture and thinks, dang, they are hot! i think it comes from a deep attraction to being liked. eh, whatever the reason, i always thought i would be good at it. i'm a born actress (yet i don't like being on stage or film anymore), and it always looked easy to me.

so this weekend i will get that chance. and not even for something stupid like clothes or a perfume...it's for Star Wars or Magic playing cards!!! i was asked by a friend to model for different characters that will be on the card! then he goes in and changes things to make them look different (and not like the same girl), and i will forever be adored by nerds. sa-weet! THREE DOWN!!!

4. get married

hmmm...this one is...kinda...not right. as a girl, you do fall into that trap that men are the answer to everything. or marriage is better than being alone. the judge is still out on all those verdicts, but for the time being, i love being single. after being in shitty relationships, you learn to enjoy the time you have by yourself. i love riding my bike, playing my guitar, eating weird and small portioned dinners, having a bed to myself, and just living without the complications of a relationship. now, in no way am i ruling any of this out. if i found the right person: the person who would fight for me, the person who is as crazy about me as i am about them, the one where i can be myself and they will always be themselves, the one who treats me like an equal, like a friend, like a lover. the person who is in my life because without them it wouldn't be nearly as much fun. that's what i want. i don't need a man. but, like friends, if one comes along who changes me and i want to be around them, who am i to say no?

marriage in the eyes of a child is much different than through the eyes of a seasoned veteran. and what it is changes. who knows? i may change sooner than i expect.

5. be on Saturday Night Live and/or be a stand up comedian

i have been told numerous times i am funny. i think i am, if i do say so myself. i was always that funny friend (possibly at times the funny FAT friend) who never got no play, but really developed a sense of self and a sense of what is funny. i also, as a friend, got into the world of men and their humor, and because of that, i make men laugh really easily. physical comedy, witty one-liners, sarcasm, references to masculine shows or cartoons. i am a master. but there was always that insecurity that i wouldn't be good enough. what if i fall on my face, what if i'm not funny enough? what if people laugh at me for all the wrong reasons? plus i heard that working on SNL kinda sucks, so i never went for it.

it may be a bad call, and maybe i did miss out on an opportunity. but i have been crafting a standup routine that i would like to use on an open mic night. maybe someday. we'll see.

so! three out of five. not too shabby. and i'm always creating other goals. we'll see where i go and what i do. i'm excited! let's go!