on the way home tonight from a fun-filled evening with old friends, i stared up at the stars in Georgetown and thought about what a beautiful summer sky it was. the stars bright and humid, and air dewy and soft. it reminded me of when i was 14.
the summer between 8th grade and my freshman year at Bowie I was obsessed with Deftones. seriously. o.b.s.e.s.s.e.d. Chino Moreno was a god to me. that was also the summer their album White Pony came out, and i had it on non-stop. on our 8th grade mission trip to Boston, i snuck my CD player on the trip and listened to it every night before i fell asleep. i listened to it in the car with my parents. i listened to it at summer camp. i just fell in love with it. that and Around the Fur. great great album.
one night my friend invited me over to her other friend's house, and we ended up sleeping on her friend's trampoline, outside, during July. i stared up at the sky for hours, wondering where my life would take me, thinking of that music. tracing it over and over in my head like a record needle.
i dreamed of boyfriends, and potential *cough cough*. careers. school. futures. what i would look like. who i would be. who would be around me when the chips were down. to be honest, if current me met me then, i'm not sure either one of us would recognize each other. my red hair. my insecure relationships. my parents being the ones i trust now. my close friends parting ways. my body looking way better now then it did then (or at least i thought). part of me wonders if the saying is true: i knew much more then than i do now. i was more sure of who i was in those years than i was recently. i think i've changed for the better over the past few months. but back then i wore what i wanted. i listened to what i wanted to. i had musicians all over my binder (it changed to a coffee tumbler as i got older). i hung around who i wanted. i was a complete and utter nerd, but i didn't care.
this all this crap comes in that says what you should be and it messes you up. you think, maybe i should listen to this. maybe i should be like this. maybe boys would like me more if i were like this. no. none of it is true. i wouldn't take back my past for anything. it may not be the typical american teen, but i also don't have a lot of things my peers are facing, and i'm fine with that.
so, i will listen to Tool tonight in an attempt to take back that strength that made me who i was back then. one thing about music, and White Pony in particular, is that you can't take away the first memories you had with that music.
someone tried.
but he (is) lost.
