i'm not sure

i was told friday afternoon, in a somewhat cowardly email, that i would not be an intern for the alamo drafthouse.  they said i had a great resume and my Final Cut "skills will take my very far", but they went with someone else.  i have to admit, i felt a heartbroken.  i can't even get a free internship.  i can't even get free work.

i'm trying to be positive, but i don't know what to do.  i haven't felt this confused in a long time.  i don't know what to do.  i like my job (surprisingly!), but i want to do something i love.  something that brings me passion.  something that challenges me.  something i can be proud to say i do.  something with a real paycheck.  something with vacation time.  something that inspires me.

and i'm not sure that will ever happen.

i have found trying to get a job to be like dating.  in theory, you know what you want.  you know the type you are looking for, and the qualities you think you want and need.  then you go on dates with the person, only to find they aren't want you wanted or thought you wanted.  you try and it fails.  so then you try again.  you apply again.  and you never get that second date.  or sometimes, you put out the signal, never to get the first date you are sure is to be your last.

i guess a problem is that i don't even know what i want.  when people ask me 'if i could be anything, i would i be?' i respond that i would be a music journalist.  technically i am.  i write for a blog (http://www.indieball.com) and i love doing it.  i love music.  more than anything else, well, besides the obvious family and close friends.  but music feeds my soul, lifts me up, consuls me, dances with me, teaches me, inspires me, changes me, gives me meaning.  i suppose what some find in religion or spirituality i find in music.

so in the end, it's all about finding the bits of inspiration and love in the goodness that is provided.  at least i have a job.  it may not be a career, but at least it is something.  and at least i have music.