ACL Fest is coming!

it is my favorite time of year.  seriously.  even more than christmas in NYC.  even more than halloween at my house.  and definitely more than valentine's day with mono in my apartment.  

ACL Fest has come back!

this will be my sixth year going to all three days, and i cannot wait.  something about this year feels so right.  maybe it's the fall weather that has triggered some sort of excitement that it will be cooler.  maybe it's the promise of some new bands that will surely amaze me.  maybe it's the memories with old and new friends that are sure to come.

and maybe it is the pure bliss that comes from sitting in the sun, listening to inspiring and beautiful music, and for one weekend throwing everything else behind you.  it's you, the breeze and the music.  ah!  there is nothing better.  nothing.

i rode my bike down to zilker to get my wrist band, and all i could think of was how happy i was about this weekend.  the stages are set up, the tents and merch being set out, the sky the bluest i've seen in a long while.  i've never felt more pure and true bliss.  i slipped my wrist band on and felt invincible.

which brings me to another story.  last sunday, it was so busy i had to park at 2nd and guadalupe and hoof it to 4th and trinity (which if you know austin, yeah, it's a hike).  but as i walked around in the mid-80s weather, strolling along the 2nd street district, watching people eat brunch, drink mimosas, laugh; pretty women in oversized sunglasses and tiny sundresses, babies wobbling on cobble sidewalks, i felt this wave of happiness like i haven't felt in a long time.  this peace.  i walked past the children's museum, the W hotel site, the future site of ACL studios, and as i turned my head, there was the capital and frost bank in the distance.

and i cried.  i connected with the city.  something felt so home yet so far away from me.  i haven't been out to really get to know this city.  i'd spent over a year working downtown and living in the famous 78704 zip code and yet i never got to really know her.  and i want to.  i live in a city that could take me somewhere.  and i need to feed off that.  i don't know where i'm going, but i need to relish in the present.

i watched the office premiere, and i have to say, i can't feel happy for pam and jim.  i can't.  i'm not sure i believe in marriage.  or even relationships for that matter.  my sabbatical has turned out to be a welcomed and overwhelmingly beautiful lifestyle, and i don't even want a boyfriend, or even to have sex again.  or for that matter to ever get married, and kids seem like a pain.  i'm fine the way my life is.  relationships are band-aids for some sort of insecurity.  prove otherwise, i dare you.

i'm not sure

i was told friday afternoon, in a somewhat cowardly email, that i would not be an intern for the alamo drafthouse.  they said i had a great resume and my Final Cut "skills will take my very far", but they went with someone else.  i have to admit, i felt a heartbroken.  i can't even get a free internship.  i can't even get free work.

i'm trying to be positive, but i don't know what to do.  i haven't felt this confused in a long time.  i don't know what to do.  i like my job (surprisingly!), but i want to do something i love.  something that brings me passion.  something that challenges me.  something i can be proud to say i do.  something with a real paycheck.  something with vacation time.  something that inspires me.

and i'm not sure that will ever happen.

i have found trying to get a job to be like dating.  in theory, you know what you want.  you know the type you are looking for, and the qualities you think you want and need.  then you go on dates with the person, only to find they aren't want you wanted or thought you wanted.  you try and it fails.  so then you try again.  you apply again.  and you never get that second date.  or sometimes, you put out the signal, never to get the first date you are sure is to be your last.

i guess a problem is that i don't even know what i want.  when people ask me 'if i could be anything, i would i be?' i respond that i would be a music journalist.  technically i am.  i write for a blog (http://www.indieball.com) and i love doing it.  i love music.  more than anything else, well, besides the obvious family and close friends.  but music feeds my soul, lifts me up, consuls me, dances with me, teaches me, inspires me, changes me, gives me meaning.  i suppose what some find in religion or spirituality i find in music.

so in the end, it's all about finding the bits of inspiration and love in the goodness that is provided.  at least i have a job.  it may not be a career, but at least it is something.  and at least i have music.

ordinary world

i haven't heard from the Drafthouse, and i hope to hear soon, but i've come to a peaceful level of my life, and am attempting nirvana.  as a result, i've actually come to like my job at the stizzle-bizzle.  i like my regulars, the formula, the community.  i guess things have to change since now i like what i do.

i've also gone back to two a days.  i quit for a while, when i was riding my bike so much, but now i ride my bike to work, ride home then immediately go for a three mile run.  i've become so accustomed to being active.  so much so that i went on a date tonight.  i rode my bike to Target with the most beautiful sky i've seen in a long time, walked around Target for an hour, got my chocolate, wine and pumpkin scented Fabreze, and rode home.  it was the happiest i've been in a long time.

i like this sabbatical idea.  i love being single.  i love playing the guitar, drinking wine and eating chocolate while watching Sex and the City on DVD, watching Simpsons commentary while eating my small dinner, working out, being myself.  it's wonderful not thinking about guys.  worrying about them.  wondering what they are thinking of me.  if i never get married, i would be so happy.  i love being on my own.  i love being alone.   i actually hope i never am in a couple.  i never want to be so compromising again.  i never want to lose myself in someone else.

in other news, i wrote the president of UT, dean of communications, and director of CCS about the shitty "work" the CCS does.  they don't help people find jobs, and they are disrespectful.  my email made my mom proud.  she said it was perfect.  it was.  it came out of passion.  as a result, i got a long email back from the director of the CCS.  we are having a meeting soon.

i also emailed my cousin who is going through a crappy crappy breakup, and she said she was happy to receive it.  i hope i see her at Thanksgiving.

this has been a week of proud moments and passions.  i've never been tested so thoroughly than this past week.  i've brought myself to the level of free work for experience, having to say no to someone you whole and pure heartedly love, pushing people to do their job, and realizing that life really does never look like you thought it would.

the fall is coming.  and i have never been more excited.  i've never been more ready to accept my life.

true romance

i do own a bit of someone's heart without trying. 

and yet i control all of mine.  

who knew?

please please please

if you are a praying person, please please please pray i get this opportunity at Alamo Drafthouse.  i'm going crazy sending out applications, and i just want to be something.  i just want the chance to prove myself.  i'm not sure what else i can do.  please please please pray.  i need this.

one last chance...

p.s.--i am forever grateful for the good health God has blessed me with.  i'm clean.  i'm good.  i'm brand new.  i will never forget the desert, as the desert moves us into the promise land.  and the desert makes us appreciate the promise in the land.